Midlife Crisis
a loss of self-confidence and feeling of anxiety or disappointment that can occur in early middle age.
That is the definition found in the oxford dictionary. It is when we all get to that stage in life when we feel dissapointed or not satisfied with our lives, except it only happened to me now. At first I obviously didn't think it was that bad because after all I just thought I was being a teenager, and as a stressed out teenager, being unhappy with things is quite normal. I olny realized now that I might've been wrong.
I AM HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS
I am completely and utterly not happy with myself and my situation. It all started last year, when I was in grade 12. Things started bright but seemed to take a drastic downward spiral, and being the sheltered person that I am, when my life changed I didn't know what to do. Let me take you into the series of events that have made me think this way.
1.) Friends
I am a very shy person , quite antisocial actually, so I tend to be a lone ranger but I've had a couple of friends over my highschool life. We could say we are relatively close but not as close as in a best friend type of way. ( I've never actually had a bestfriend because of moving around) but lately I've been noticing something. My friends all developed littel groups and clicks when I wasn't around so it's hard to actually get close to anyone now because they always hang out together. It's not that I mind being surrounded by them but some of them aren't as pleasant. Last year my grades went down and I feel as though some of my friends are drawing back from me because of this. It is like I don't fit some sort of criteria anymore and no matter how I try to act as if everything is normal, it is not. That is what happens when you have overachiever as friends because you feel lesser of a human being and you always feel like you're not good enough so that is why I am basically friendless.
2.) Being Good
One could say that my highschool life has been nothing but a snoozefest and trust me the last year of highschool isn't as trilling and as fun as I anticipated. Teenage years are supposed to be the years of mistakes and learning but I've literally been good throughout all the years, I've never been drunk , never gone on a date, missed my curfew or skipped class. You would think this would pay off because people are expected to think that you're mature and responsible if you're like that, but trust me, it is the complete opposite. I am treated as if I lack the capacity to make my own decisions, be it in school and my everyday life. It is like no one seems to notice that I'm a grown up 18 year old, even when it comes to school things, like leadership positions, I am one of those people teacher never really seem to notice. I am one of those people you never give a second look, like I just exist to fill up space. And I guess that is alright!
3.) What I actually love doing.
I am in love with music, as you can see with most of my posts being music related. I love the 90s and the early 00s, when music was still so good and original. I really love singing but I guess I get shy around people and my parents never acknowledge it because they just think that singers end up being drug addicts and highschool dropouts, which is actually not the case, so they never support this. I also want to be a writer and I've been writing on wattpad, but it never really gets any reads which suck because writing is actually what I'm good at. I also adore poetry like Shane Koyczan's poetry but I don't think I could ever write stuff that people would actually want to read sadly.
4.) Falling in Love
This might sound funny but I've never been in love with anyone. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic just missing the romantic part. I like the idea of falling in love with someone but I haven't had the chance to. I have had some people come and go but it was never anything serious. The thing is get really close to someone and I allow myself to be vulnerable around them, but I like them as friends. They take it the wrong way and end up thinking that I like them and that messes up everything and we become distant. I've never met someone who actually makes me feel so happy inside or makes me actually believe that there is love in the world. S owhereever you are soulmate, please hurry up!
5.) Achievements
I always used to tell myself at the age of 16 I would have achieved something great, like being a published author or an inventor, something to put my name on like the Rue theory of particles (I know, you're just thinking that sounds far fetched but trust me when I say as a child I always used to have big dreams) I have managed to get some little recognition during the years but I still feel like there's more out there to conquer before I turn 20. They're a lot of kids out there even younger than me, doing great things and conquering the world while I'm just mopping around.
I guess I can't seem to pinpoint what is actually not going so great in my life. I feel more alone more than the usual. I am now quite antisocial and I'm never actually happy because of some of the toxic influence in my life. I guess all I can say is that I'm having a midlife crisis wayyy too early :(
five years of being in highsc